Monthly Archives: February 2013

Do I have a caffeine sensitivity or something?


I almost never drink coffee, because instead of it being a pick-me up, I’m left fatigued, nauseous, light sensitive, and with a head ache. Is this just me? I feel left out of the club or something, what am supposed to do at three in the morning when I have a 10 page paper due in 6 hours (this would almost never happen though, I tend to get shit done.) Or I want to wipe the tiredness off my face for my early am class?

I went to Starbucks today and unknowingly ruined the rest of my day with a small iced green tea, unsweetened and everything. I couldn’t concentrate in class, my head was pounding, and my eyes hurt. I went home and had to curl up in bed. Only after drinking two bottles of water did I begin to feel relief. I usually only feel this way after drinking coffee, and I drink tea all the time, just usually decaffeinated I guess. I used to drink coffee all the time in high school, black with 2 sweetnlows, so why the sudden sensitivity to caffeine? 

Either way I am so done with caffeine anything. Decaf for me please


I came, I partied, I conquered


So I ended up going out last night

and surprisingly

I had fun… and I wasn’t socially retarded

Actually I let loose a little last night and came out of my shell. We first went to the house party, which was in military housing so it got shut down by like 11:30. It was pretty fun though, maybe like 100-150 people were there. I just had a couple drinks and milled about talking to people and meeting other students from UH. Then the cops came and people started freaking out. It was kind of funny actually, it was chaotic with people screaming and running away, and I was just standing there, sipping my beer, because I knew the cops weren’t going to start hand cuffing people, they were just chillin outside in their cars waiting for a noise complaint. People need to handle their shit better, I think that is the theme of the night.

So we dug and moved the party to a frat house out in UH. It was chill, they had beer pong and a keg, and I met some pretty cool people. I just want to talk to people and get to know them, but it’s like I’ll start having a conversation with a guy and we’re just talking about life and school and stuff, but he feels the need to try to hit me up. I have a boyfriend, but as soon as i say that they literally walk away. Whatever, I did use my feminine wiles to get a picture with this dudes hat. He was being all shady and wouldn’t let me borrow it, so I had to chat him up a bit until he reluctantly let me wear it…. totally worth it.


To party or not to party?


That is the question i’m mulling over right now.

On one hand there is a ridiculous party happening tonight sure to be in no short supply of alcohol and drunken college students. Some of my friends are going and I have a ride there and back. So there’s that

On the other hand I’m still sick and I just started my medication today. I don’t think antibiotics and alcohol are the best combination… hmmmm decisions decisions

I’m pretty socially retarded too, parties aren’t really my thing, but it could be fun?

Or horrible…

On another note, I finally (sort of) understand the point of studying english. I always used to get so pissed off at my english teacher (who I now realize is probably the coolest teacher I’ve ever had) because he always would dish out some bullshit speech about symbolism and hidden meaning in stories. The tree represents his repressed anguish and the loneliness he feels at the loss of blah blah blah blah blah. No Mr DeCleene, the author probably meant the tree to be a tree.

But I get it now.

Regardless of whether the author meant the tree to be a tree his subconscious caused him to write about the tree so that he unknowingly put symbolism into it because of some bullshit freudian theory that states that the author subconsciously dictates the inner most workings of his mind into his writing.

So not only does the author not know what the tree represents, neither do I. Yet somehow it is my job to figure it out. This is what I’ve had to deal with this week while we break down different critical approaches to literature. It’s actually pretty fascinating once you get past the fact that these people are probably over thinking things way more than the author intended, but maybe thats a pretentious assumption, what do I know, I’m just some smart ass freshmen who can’t even identify themes of post modernism in the 20th century (scoff). No really, that was on a quiz last week, I stared at the question for like 10 minutes before deciding that I don’t really give two shits about post modernism and I’m dropping out of school after this semester anyway.

And on the other other hand, I mapped out my plan to train for this half marathon thing that’s going down in October.

I’m going to start off with a couch to 5k program, which basically involves me running for 30 minutes three times a week at walk/run intervals, and by week 8 I should be running 3 miles.
So that will be my MWF, and in between I’m going to do 30 minutes of cross training, so low impact aerobic exercises like swimming, yoga, hiking, or the elliptical.

Saturdays are rest days and Sundays I’ll do a nice easy run for distance.

The only thing I need to figure out is how I’m going to incorporate weight training and calisthenics twice a week, probably on MWF after my run, for 15-30 minutes. I want to be able to complement my training by building and strengthening, but I don’t want to over do it, or under do it, so that’s one area I’m slightly confused about as far as exercises, frequency, reps/sets, etc.

And for nutrition I’ll probably just keep doing my oatmeal in the morning, a pre workout snack an hour before, like a smoothie or avocado on toast, and a post workout snack/lunch like a tuna sandwich with dinner being veggies and protein.

So that’s my plan, I want to start on Monday, but if I’m still sick I might take a few more days so I can recover.

And on a final note, I hate taking pharmaceuticals. When I eat really well and have access to all the weird hippie food I like (aka not what I get here) I will not get sick. It just doesn’t happen. Going to the doctor and having him prescribe me a bunch of pills just felt like taking the easy way out. I hate that feeling. We need to be fixing the root of the problem, not just finding short term solutions. You can read more about that here.

But I just couldn’t get better on my own, and that makes me feel like a failure.

Just Me?


I’ve walked into the men’s bathroom twice in the past month. Seriously? And no not a casual bump against the door and notice the sign before turning away, I’m talking big production, walk in there like I own the place, check myself in the mirror and turn to see the look of horror on the guy’s face next to me. Yeah not once… twice.
First it was at a movie theater in Berkeley, I went to see Les Mis with my sis her boyfriend and Thomas. I had to leave the theater multiple times due to coughing fits, so I ran into the bathroom to wash my face and when I look up this 30 something bald man was drying his hands and giving me this “what the hell are you doing” look. Well, that’s encouraging. And to top it all off I get to walk out and see the people working the candy counter give me the slightly confused face, then a look of dawning comprehension and finally fits of giggles. Assholes.

And then tonight I had to pee so bad so I ran up to the mp building before journalism. I have class on the third floor but just decided to use the second floor bathrooms because they were closer. Too bad some twisted prick decided that the second floor men’s bathrooms should be where the 3rd floor women’s bathrooms are. Jerk. I practically whipped off my pants flying through the door, definitely scarring some asian exchange students in the process.

Welcome to my life.

New Goal


I want to compete in a half marathon.

This is just something that came to me today, while I was lying in bed among crumpled tissues, half drunken bottles of tangerine emergen-c water, cough drop wrappers, and a tube of chap stick.

I hate running. High school was mainly a blur of soccer/volleyball/cheer/tennis coaches standing by with a stop watch timing sprints, suicides, miles, whatever. Run laps until you think you’re going to pass out, then run some more.

Ugh, I did not enjoy that.

I never looked at running as something to enjoy. It’s like, why would people willingly submit themselves to that.


But there have been moments when I run and run, and there is a point when I can’t feel the burning in my legs anymore, my thumping heart beat subsides and my lungs stop gasping for air. All I can feel are my steady legs hitting the road, and I feel at peace.

I have had two dreams recently. The first one involved me running to my old house where I grew up. I was in cowboy boots (dreams are awesome) and I was running and running, and it was awesome. I didn’t get tired and I felt so free. Like I could just run anywhere in the world to get where I wanted to go, like Forrest Gump.

The second dream took me back to high school. We were running wind sprints for a soccer practice. After practice was done everyone went to the side, but me and a few other people kept going. Every time the whistle blew I would sprint and it would feel so rewarding to be able to push past the pain and just run.

Any way I also like the idea of being able to work up to something. I don’t even think I could run a mile at this point, even if I wasn’t sick. I’m basically starting from scratch. I want to compete in the Nike women’s marathon in October. It’s like October 1st or something. They have the full marathon and half marathon course. The half marathon is 13.1 miles all around San Francisco. I just feel like this is something I really want to do, and I think it will be really rewarding if I can accomplish this goal.

I have 7 months.


Sitting in bed for the last two days has given me way to much time to think about how miserable I am being in college. To be fair, I wasn’t expecting it to be that great, so I can say that it lived up to my expectations.

I guess there’s a few reasons for why I really don’t want to be here

1. Coming here wasn’t my choice. My sister came here and my brother before her. My dad has a strange obsession with this school. I guess it’s because he commutes between islands every week for work so he can be close by. I tried to apply to schools on the mainland but it just came down to price. I didn’t even apply here really, he did the application. They offered me a really good deal and I didn’t want to stay home for school. So after attesting to it, and denying it for many years, I gave in to the overbearing pressure of my dad. To make it even better I had managed to get myself all tangled up with the most wonderful person I have ever met, who was leaving to go to school in California. So instead of college being this wonderful change and new experience, I went into it with pretty low expectations and a kind of resignation.

2. Oahu is a terrible island to live on. It is so small, and there are literally a million people on it. It is cramped and stressful. Everybody is always so angry, and everything is a scam for the tourists. The air isn’t clean either. I feel like I’m just holding my breath until I can step off a plane and finally breath. The military presence is overwhelming. I can’t even go out dancing with my friends without a bunch of creepy meat heads breathing down my neck. There is nothing here that I like doing. I grew up on an island, but it was bigger and less crowded. You could hike to a waterfall with no one around and jump in the crystal clear water, if that’s your thing. I see my friends try and do that here and it’s kind of sad how stoked they get off the crappy brown overcrowded waterfall hikes here. I wouldn’t stick my foot in that water… bleh. Call me spoiled but when you have all of the best things Hawaii has to offer, and you move somewhere second rate with 5 times as many people, it’s hard to get stoked to go out and do anything “naturey.” But that’s not really my thing anyway. I hate hiking, and rarely go to the beach. Give me a good book and a rainy day, maybe a thrift store or a dog to walk and I’m happy.

3. No car= you’re not going anywhere. The public transportation here is terrible and sketchy. It is terribly sketchy. Basically, if you don’t have a car, you can’t do anything. If you do have a car, everybody and his brother is going to mooch off your ride.

4. The school isn’t worth it. I mean, it’s an okay school. It is definitely more geared toward science and nursing majors, so that is where a majority of the budget goes. Almost all of the people I met are planning on transferring next year because they aren’t happy with the school. The living situation is really not good either. Living in the dorms feels like you are at summer camp. Residence life is really strict so it’s easy to get in trouble for really stupid things. Not to mention the food completely sucks. I could rant about this forever but I think you get the picture, it’s just not a good situation, especially for $12,000+ a year.


5. I’m tired of living in Hawaii. I grew up here and it was awesome. I got to grow up on a farm and swim with turtles, but it’s time for me to leave. I want something new, something different. If I can go away then I know i’ll appreciate Hawaii so much more. Right now I’m starting to resent it.

6. I’m not really attached to this school or the degree I’m getting. It’s a freaking english degree, it’s the same at any school. I chose my major because I like to read and write, but I don’t want to make a career out of it. I feel like I’m just doing this as a means to an end. Go to college, get your degree, get a job, get married, have kids, live in a box house with a dog, die. Haha okay maybe that’s a bit morbid, but I’m just going because that’s what you do after high school, you go to college right? Well doing something because everyone else is doing it is not a good enough reason for me. I guess it would help me get a job, but I can get pretty much the same education at any community college anywhere else.

7. I feel like i’m living someone else’s life. Every time I walk to the shuttle stop to get to class, or go to the dining commons to eat some crappy soup I think that this was exactly what my sister and brother did before me. I feel a sort of identity crisis, how am I any different from them. Maybe I’m suffering from youngest child syndrome or something haha, I don’t know. I just feel like everyone around me chose to come here, but I didn’t make this choice, so I’m not living for myself. I’m living to please my dad, I’m living to get a job and become a good little tax payer, another screw in the machine, and honestly that drives me nuts. I cannot take three more years of this, I seriously might go jump off one of the mountain tops that tower over me like prison walls.


So that’s my little rant for the night. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

And also if you want to hear some really good music you should download this band’s  EP. Just saying 🙂

Who Am I Living For?

Moments (Part 1)


I remember when we first started dating
and you told me to meet you in that old gravel parking lot
you know, the one by the pier
with the giant banyan tree towering over it

When I pulled up, I saw your car
but you were no where to be found
so I texted you
and you texted back
“I can see you”

After about ten minutes of searching high and low
and getting creepy text messages about my whereabouts
I look up and see you
so high up
in that banyan tree
so high
how did you even get up there?
And you look down at me
And smile

I love how you’re not too cool to do fun stuff
Thanks for teaching me that Im not too cool either

I was able to find the exact tree on the internet... Hilo is awesome

I was able to find the exact tree on the internet… Hilo is awesome