Sitting in bed for the last two days has given me way to much time to think about how miserable I am being in college. To be fair, I wasn’t expecting it to be that great, so I can say that it lived up to my expectations.

I guess there’s a few reasons for why I really don’t want to be here

1. Coming here wasn’t my choice. My sister came here and my brother before her. My dad has a strange obsession with this school. I guess it’s because he commutes between islands every week for work so he can be close by. I tried to apply to schools on the mainland but it just came down to price. I didn’t even apply here really, he did the application. They offered me a really good deal and I didn’t want to stay home for school. So after attesting to it, and denying it for many years, I gave in to the overbearing pressure of my dad. To make it even better I had managed to get myself all tangled up with the most wonderful person I have ever met, who was leaving to go to school in California. So instead of college being this wonderful change and new experience, I went into it with pretty low expectations and a kind of resignation.

2. Oahu is a terrible island to live on. It is so small, and there are literally a million people on it. It is cramped and stressful. Everybody is always so angry, and everything is a scam for the tourists. The air isn’t clean either. I feel like I’m just holding my breath until I can step off a plane and finally breath. The military presence is overwhelming. I can’t even go out dancing with my friends without a bunch of creepy meat heads breathing down my neck. There is nothing here that I like doing. I grew up on an island, but it was bigger and less crowded. You could hike to a waterfall with no one around and jump in the crystal clear water, if that’s your thing. I see my friends try and do that here and it’s kind of sad how stoked they get off the crappy brown overcrowded waterfall hikes here. I wouldn’t stick my foot in that water… bleh. Call me spoiled but when you have all of the best things Hawaii has to offer, and you move somewhere second rate with 5 times as many people, it’s hard to get stoked to go out and do anything “naturey.” But that’s not really my thing anyway. I hate hiking, and rarely go to the beach. Give me a good book and a rainy day, maybe a thrift store or a dog to walk and I’m happy.

3. No car= you’re not going anywhere. The public transportation here is terrible and sketchy. It is terribly sketchy. Basically, if you don’t have a car, you can’t do anything. If you do have a car, everybody and his brother is going to mooch off your ride.

4. The school isn’t worth it. I mean, it’s an okay school. It is definitely more geared toward science and nursing majors, so that is where a majority of the budget goes. Almost all of the people I met are planning on transferring next year because they aren’t happy with the school. The living situation is really not good either. Living in the dorms feels like you are at summer camp. Residence life is really strict so it’s easy to get in trouble for really stupid things. Not to mention the food completely sucks. I could rant about this forever but I think you get the picture, it’s just not a good situation, especially for $12,000+ a year.


5. I’m tired of living in Hawaii. I grew up here and it was awesome. I got to grow up on a farm and swim with turtles, but it’s time for me to leave. I want something new, something different. If I can go away then I know i’ll appreciate Hawaii so much more. Right now I’m starting to resent it.

6. I’m not really attached to this school or the degree I’m getting. It’s a freaking english degree, it’s the same at any school. I chose my major because I like to read and write, but I don’t want to make a career out of it. I feel like I’m just doing this as a means to an end. Go to college, get your degree, get a job, get married, have kids, live in a box house with a dog, die. Haha okay maybe that’s a bit morbid, but I’m just going because that’s what you do after high school, you go to college right? Well doing something because everyone else is doing it is not a good enough reason for me. I guess it would help me get a job, but I can get pretty much the same education at any community college anywhere else.

7. I feel like i’m living someone else’s life. Every time I walk to the shuttle stop to get to class, or go to the dining commons to eat some crappy soup I think that this was exactly what my sister and brother did before me. I feel a sort of identity crisis, how am I any different from them. Maybe I’m suffering from youngest child syndrome or something haha, I don’t know. I just feel like everyone around me chose to come here, but I didn’t make this choice, so I’m not living for myself. I’m living to please my dad, I’m living to get a job and become a good little tax payer, another screw in the machine, and honestly that drives me nuts. I cannot take three more years of this, I seriously might go jump off one of the mountain tops that tower over me like prison walls.


So that’s my little rant for the night. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

And also if you want to hear some really good music you should download this band’s  EP. Just saying 🙂

Who Am I Living For?


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