12:36

Standard

You taught me that the universe works in mysterious ways
Ways that cannot be understood
but they are all around us,
we just have to wake up and look with our eyes.

I’m not going to lie, I felt pretty crumby after we got off the phone last night.
I feel like we are one and the same, you said so yourself
I feel as if we are the same person and we have a mutual connection that binds us
and this is the way it is meant to be.

But for the first time last night, I felt unsure of everything
The only thing I was sure about was that the distance really felt like 2,000 miles

So I went out with my friends
And for a moment I thought
And wondered what you felt
My eyes were clouded and I could only see things from my perspective
Even though I was sorry
I wasn’t truly sorry in the way you can be when you don’t have to say the word anymore
The truth just rings through your body

I’m a little high right now but I’m just going with it
because I feel I need to let this out

And for a moment I wished that I had a guy friend, any friend for that matter
That I could understand, I mean really understand
How it is to relate to someone on that level
And feel that kind of intimacy in a friendship

So we went to the club, which as you know is probably my least favorite place…. ever
But I just wanted to have a good time with my friends and get my mind off of things
We danced for a while, the superficiality and desperation that reeks up places like that
Felt like it was seeping into my skin

And then me and my friends sat down
And shortly after a group of guys approached us
This has happened before and usually we just tell them they can’t sit with us
But when they asked to join us we all just kind of looked at each other and shrugged
I didn’t want to be rude
But really the last thing I wanted was to be talked up by some meathead in the corner of a nightclub in waikiki

One of the guys approached me
And from the moment I heard him speak
I was hit with a ton of bricks
Because he understood

That night at wintersalt
I felt that I had met you for the first time, I saw you with eyes unclouded
And in this moment, I knew that this was not a coincidence
That something had brought him to me as it had brought me to you

And we immediately began talking
Talking about everything
And I began to cry because I was hit with the overwhelming force that this was all real
Because the months since that night have steadily began to sow seeds of doubt into my mind

That connections like that are not real
Just figments of our imagination
We cannot be one, we are separate, like the allegory of Plato’s cave
and we will never be able to break free of these chains
The only thing I could believe was that I believed in that moment
A wisp of the concrete thing that had rocked my world

And he knew it too
He said that it was hard for us
And it is very lonely

And he told me things that just confirmed everything for me
That meeting him was not a coincidence
And no matter what,
I have to stay true to myself
And not to let myself sink down to the levels of other people
Just so I might be able to relate to them

He told me so many things that reminded me of you
He told me who he thought he was in a past life
Explaining the complicated lineage of his family
Tracing back to Kings in England

He to associated himself with the white knight status quo
And told me he thinks that he would belong better in that era
The era of chivalry
And explained his strong associations with his native american heritage

We talked for about an hour
In that stinking putrid place
The last place on earth that I thought I would ever meet someone like this
And I was laughing and crying at the universe
For hitting me smack dab in the nose

I will admit
He did try to pursue me romantically
He said many things that to be honest
Couldn’t help but remind me of you

He even said I was a goddess
After that I really felt like this was some big cosmic joke
But I was actually in on it this time

Flattered as I was though
I understood
That I could never even think to pursue this relationship beyond friendship
Because I am devoted to you
Thomas Edward Fairman
Mind Body and Soul
And letting someone come between that is unfathomable

And I can understand now
Really
Why you were upset
For me to doubt that in you

And I know now that I don’t have to be scared
Because everything is going to turn out fine
Whether or not you are the one for me
And I don’t know if you are
Everything will happen the way it is meant to happen

I love you.

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