This song is beautiful and it reminds me of you.
Alright here goes nothing. I stumbled upon this 8 week bikini body challenge and thought I might as well give it a shot. It’s summer and I’ve made it a goal to break a sweat every day. My favorite thing about this program is that you don’t need to join a gym or have like a million things of exercise equipment, you just need to be down to improvise. In the videos she shows how to do all of the exercises with or without the swiss ball/ weight etc.
I’m on day 2 so we’ll see how this goes.
Lately I’ve been questioning a lot of things that I was taught in (Catholic) school
I was eight years old when I learned that God created the light and dark, then the earth, the water and the land, the animals, the plants and the people in seven days. I learned that eve coaxed adam into eating the apple and that’s why humans are born into sin and can’t live in the garden of eden.
Okay so… what the fuck?
Is more or less what I was thinking when I was taught this… as well as through out middle school when we learned in science class that humans evolved from monkeys, up into high school when I still fought with the idea that I was born a sinner. I had no choice, and these two assholes picked this fruit from this tree and I wasn’t even born yet you know? But for some reason or another this is what had happened and now I have to spend the rest of my life atoning for this sin or else I’m going to burn in the fiery pits of hell. But God loves me… right?
Okay well I just kind of accepted this because we were being tested on it, and we had mass where we would got through these ridiculous ceremonies. Lord I am not worthy, but only say the word and I shall be healed. I felt no spiritual connection to any of this. To be honest the only thing I felt was complete and utter boredom, so I would rip up the little pamphlet things and fold paper cranes.
But it was drilled into my head basically that this was God. He was this old white dude who lives in the clouds and watches you… which is a really creepy concept if you think about it. And somehow men use his authority to tell other people what to do. And people listen.
And honestly, I think most people listen because they’re followers. I was never baptized, my family never chose to baptize me even though three other siblings were baptized and this used to stress me out because I was told that in the Bible it said that unbaptized people go to hell. You don’t tell a child they are going to hell, you just don’t.
But I suppose I can see the draw of heaven and why you would want to do good so you can gain access into that all exclusive vip pearly white party.
Honestly though, I am only seeing now what a giant joke this all is. I’m not saying there is no God, in fact I know there is a God, it’s just not the same God I think of because when the word God is thrown around I associate it with old white dude. God implies that there is an entity that is separate, and he sits up in his ivory tower looking down at everyone and judging everyone. And if you read the old testament this guy is kind of a giant prick (He made Abraham almost kill is only son just to prove his loyalty? Not cool God… Not cool)
And I know now that Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islamism, they are all just people trying to describe the same thing, this oneness that they feel, because there is something greater and I have felt it. But when I felt it I was probably as far away from a church as I could possibly be. But in school we just learned that other people have their religions, but until they accept Jesus as their lord and savior they can’t come to the after party.
And about Jesus. I would liked to have met this guy because I do believe that Jesus was in on this big cosmic joke, but honestly I want to know what he thinks about how much men have taken his words and construed them, manipulated his good intentions to build this empire. I am royally pissed off at the pope and all those other old white dudes who sit up their on their golden thrones.
Another thing though, perhaps what confuses and angers me the most is how women fit into the picture. The example held up for women in the church is…. a virgin?
No offense Mary, but God tweaked the rules a little and gave you a freebie pass at birth to be born without the stain of original sin. Perfection and purity… that’s a pretty tough standard to live up, am I right ladies?
The sacred feminine is pretty much shat on because any sort of sexuality needs to be repressed so a woman can be the subservient little housewife to her husband.
And on top of that Jesus was celibate? Really church? You’re going to try and pull that one over on me? I think that someone was so scared of the power that females hold that they were like, okay group meeting guys, let’s huddle up. Females have some powerful shit going on and our huge masculine egos can’t have them screwing up our shit. Once they know the complete power they have then we are basically f***** so here’s the plan…
Yeah, I feel like that’s what happened or something.
But back to going to a Catholic school. I think it taught me some pretty solid morals, but I just don’t agree with Christianity, and I think people need to stop being followers. I mean if religion makes you feel good, then awesome. But you don’t need to claim any religion if you just want a freebie pass to some “heaven” that may or may not exist. For that matter why identify with any social construct. Why is our society so fucking obsessed with labeling everything? Why cant we just be?
I’m kind of sorry if I offended anyone, but then again I don’t really give a fuck.
It is 5 am.
I have a horrible headache and my right arm feels as if it has been cut off and reattached.
Was last night worth it?
Last night was probably the best night of my first year of college. Ironically it’s the last night I’m here as I leave today. So to sum up my experiences in a few sentences here is what I learned from this year:
1. It’s okay to be outgoing.
I know this one’s probably pretty obvious to most people but for some reason I’ve always been scared to talk to people. Maybe I’m afraid that they will judge me or something (which is a stupid fear to begin with.) Well if they judge me for being outgoing then obviously I know that I probably shouldn’t be hanging out with them in the first place right?
2. Definitely have liquor before beer. Have anything before beer on that note.
3. Don’t hang out with people you don’t want to hang out with.
This one is huge for me. I almost feel like I’ve wasted an entire year hanging around people who are completely… Well I don’t want to put anyone down but let’s just say on the shallow end of the swimming pool. As much as this bums me out that I didn’t find the people I could really connect with until the end of semester, this was a valuable lesson I needed to learn. I know the difference now between people I do and don’t want to hang out with.
4. It’s okay to be alone too.
I’m still learning this one. I’ll keep you posted 🙂
5. Bunnies don’t make good dorm room pets. Especially when they want to claw the shit out of your arm.
6. Be yourself.
Another obvious one but it is still a valuable lesson I learned. We’ve been told this our entire lives and I’ve always thought… Well yes obviously. Who else would I be right? This one’s tricky. Trying to fit in can sneak up on you. Aside, I’m fucking awesome and people deserve to see that.
7. Well I don’t really have a seven. I don’t know why I have silly string in my hair either. Oh I know! If your roommates boyfriend is smoking weed in your room that happens to be by the student center. Just get out. Leave the room. I don’t care if it’s 10 o’clock at night and you’re trying to sleep. Getting written up is just not worth it.
And on that note I’m going to try to catch some Zzs before I have to finish cleaning the atrocity that is my room.
I think I smoked a Cuban cigar last night.
Okay good night!
Can I love myself unconditionally? Can I love the parts of myself I dislike, even hate, and accept the fact that without these things I would not have the good parts, I would not be the person I am today?
Can I be a whole person. Can I be content with myself, all by myself.
The answer is yes.
And with that resounding yes I will discover the thing I was born to do.
I will no longer hide from myself.
The blinders are off. No more distractions.
It’s just me.