Monthly Archives: January 2014

Coming Home

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Wow, it is weird to be home after 5 months of living in California. It is nice but strange at the same time.

I have been really stressed out lately with having to find a new place to live while simultaneously preparing from my best friend to move here and join forces with me.
I haven’t had the “home” sense (security I guess would be a better word) in the five months that I’ve been away.

I guess the first thing I noticed is that so many things here remind me of Thomas, like his old journal that I forgot he left here and a t-shirt I found in my drawer. It makes me sad, but I refuse to dwell on the past. That was a different world and we are different people now.

More importantly, I must stay grounded in the present. I did not come over here to reminisce about the past, my mission on this trip is two fold:
One: to detox from the mostly ungrounding and at times stressful space that is the bay area. Coming home is like a bank of fog in my brain being lifted. I need to use this time to ground myself and prepare for my return to the bay area. I will be coming back with best friend in tow and the two of us have big plans. ~Will elaborate more on that in a later post.
Two: To trace my family lineage as far back as I can. I saw in my heart that I need to do this. Where do I come from? This is a pivotal question that I must answer in order to understand who I am and  hopefully in turn will help guide me toward who I will become.

I will use these 10 days to center myself before being thrust back into the madness of evil land lords and cuffed jeans with crew cut socks.

Peace.


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Just holding a portal into another dimension

Ice Cream Dreams

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I am sitting in the back of the ice cream shop writing on the back of a daily closing log. My mind is in that post ice cream sugar daze that frequently happens when I forget to bring substantial food and thus justify avocado and pink peppercorn ice cream as a substantial food group. The sugar has hit my blood stream in full force. My brain feels foggy and I’m starting to get tunnel vision. The messed up thing though, is that I could have predicted the outcome, yet I chose to eat ice cream for dinner anyway. Why do I do this to myself when I know that it will not serve me? I tell myself I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better person all the time, but I continually fail to follow through on holding myself accountable to this standard that I claim to want to hold myself to. And it’s not just stupid shit like eating sugar for dinner. My daily life choices are not good enough. I am living a mediocre life. 
“Why is this?” I ask myself. Well, maybe despite my attempts to affirm otherwise, I just don’t think of myself as deserving of anything better. But I do deserve better, we all do. 
Just had a rush of customers. Part of me wanted to politely explain that I was in the middle of a thought train and I was scribbling furiously on the back freezer, but I don’t know if that would have gone over well. BUT, always saying one thing and countering it out of a need to… what? Discredit my original statement? Countless times a day I do that. I don’t think my thoughts and ideas are good enough to stand by. That’s part of the reason I stopped writing seriously. I think to myself “Who do you think you are to say that?” “That’s a stupid idea” “That’s sounds so lame, no one is going to care about what you’re saying” and then I just get frustrated and am unable to communicate the raw truth because it gets lost in all of these filters. 
I’m done with this. I don’t want to eat any more ice cream. I’m better than endless scrolling through newsfeed and half baked attempts and change. A friend told me the other day that I deserve better. She said that everything in my life is a culmination of MY choices. Good and bad, this is me owning up to that. Regardless of everything that has brought me here, I don’t need to let my past decide my present state of mind. I haven’t written seriously in so long, just half hearted attempts that elude my true feelings and thoughts. As Macklemore said, “When you live in fog inspiration’s hard to create.” So this is me stepping out of the fog. I choose to be better, because I am better. This isn’t a promise of the future, because I don’t have to future. The future is a make believe fabrication. I only have now. Now I choose. Now is infinite. What does that mean? I’m still trying to grasp that concept. I’m out of paper.

Half awake

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I find a lot of inspiration in those moments right before I drift off to sleep. My mind is somewhere between waking consciousness and dream world. This is where magic happens. I feel blissful, at home. I feel like I have some inkling of who it is I am and more importantly, who I want to become. The most recent revelation I had is one I’ve been telling myself for a while now, but I didn’t truly feel it until I was lost in my semi-conscious flurry. Since the end of my relationship I have been trying to convince myself that I am okay with being by myself. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, I think it’s preferable for this time in my life. Rationally this clicked, but emotionally I felt incomplete. I threw myself headfirst into trying to find someone to connect with on an intimate level. I didn’t even realize I was putting this energy out. I was and still am not sure what I want. This made for a few very confusing first dates. I don’t want a relationship, but I don’t want to just hook up. I want to be my own woman, one who doesn’t need a man to complete her. Why then, am I getting all antsy because so and so isn’t calling me back? Why do I feel like I need to be someone I’m not in order to impress these guys? Why would I let this guy who is old enough to be my dad stay over when I don’t feel comfortable? What am I even doing?
It really clicked for me seconds before I left this world and entered the next one. I need to stop focusing on finding someone to complete me. I need to be free and wild. I need to be uninhibited.

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I also need to visit Australia next winter
Go rock climbing again
Take some pottery classes
And make more green smoothies.