I find a lot of inspiration in those moments right before I drift off to sleep. My mind is somewhere between waking consciousness and dream world. This is where magic happens. I feel blissful, at home. I feel like I have some inkling of who it is I am and more importantly, who I want to become. The most recent revelation I had is one I’ve been telling myself for a while now, but I didn’t truly feel it until I was lost in my semi-conscious flurry. Since the end of my relationship I have been trying to convince myself that I am okay with being by myself. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, I think it’s preferable for this time in my life. Rationally this clicked, but emotionally I felt incomplete. I threw myself headfirst into trying to find someone to connect with on an intimate level. I didn’t even realize I was putting this energy out. I was and still am not sure what I want. This made for a few very confusing first dates. I don’t want a relationship, but I don’t want to just hook up. I want to be my own woman, one who doesn’t need a man to complete her. Why then, am I getting all antsy because so and so isn’t calling me back? Why do I feel like I need to be someone I’m not in order to impress these guys? Why would I let this guy who is old enough to be my dad stay over when I don’t feel comfortable? What am I even doing?
It really clicked for me seconds before I left this world and entered the next one. I need to stop focusing on finding someone to complete me. I need to be free and wild. I need to be uninhibited.
I also need to visit Australia next winter
Go rock climbing again
Take some pottery classes
And make more green smoothies.