Ice Cream Dreams

Standard

I am sitting in the back of the ice cream shop writing on the back of a daily closing log. My mind is in that post ice cream sugar daze that frequently happens when I forget to bring substantial food and thus justify avocado and pink peppercorn ice cream as a substantial food group. The sugar has hit my blood stream in full force. My brain feels foggy and I’m starting to get tunnel vision. The messed up thing though, is that I could have predicted the outcome, yet I chose to eat ice cream for dinner anyway. Why do I do this to myself when I know that it will not serve me? I tell myself I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better person all the time, but I continually fail to follow through on holding myself accountable to this standard that I claim to want to hold myself to. And it’s not just stupid shit like eating sugar for dinner. My daily life choices are not good enough. I am living a mediocre life. 
“Why is this?” I ask myself. Well, maybe despite my attempts to affirm otherwise, I just don’t think of myself as deserving of anything better. But I do deserve better, we all do. 
Just had a rush of customers. Part of me wanted to politely explain that I was in the middle of a thought train and I was scribbling furiously on the back freezer, but I don’t know if that would have gone over well. BUT, always saying one thing and countering it out of a need to… what? Discredit my original statement? Countless times a day I do that. I don’t think my thoughts and ideas are good enough to stand by. That’s part of the reason I stopped writing seriously. I think to myself “Who do you think you are to say that?” “That’s a stupid idea” “That’s sounds so lame, no one is going to care about what you’re saying” and then I just get frustrated and am unable to communicate the raw truth because it gets lost in all of these filters. 
I’m done with this. I don’t want to eat any more ice cream. I’m better than endless scrolling through newsfeed and half baked attempts and change. A friend told me the other day that I deserve better. She said that everything in my life is a culmination of MY choices. Good and bad, this is me owning up to that. Regardless of everything that has brought me here, I don’t need to let my past decide my present state of mind. I haven’t written seriously in so long, just half hearted attempts that elude my true feelings and thoughts. As Macklemore said, “When you live in fog inspiration’s hard to create.” So this is me stepping out of the fog. I choose to be better, because I am better. This isn’t a promise of the future, because I don’t have to future. The future is a make believe fabrication. I only have now. Now I choose. Now is infinite. What does that mean? I’m still trying to grasp that concept. I’m out of paper.

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One response »

  1. Pingback: Who Have I Become? |

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