Category Archives: Uncategorized

Coming Home

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Wow, it is weird to be home after 5 months of living in California. It is nice but strange at the same time.

I have been really stressed out lately with having to find a new place to live while simultaneously preparing from my best friend to move here and join forces with me.
I haven’t had the “home” sense (security I guess would be a better word) in the five months that I’ve been away.

I guess the first thing I noticed is that so many things here remind me of Thomas, like his old journal that I forgot he left here and a t-shirt I found in my drawer. It makes me sad, but I refuse to dwell on the past. That was a different world and we are different people now.

More importantly, I must stay grounded in the present. I did not come over here to reminisce about the past, my mission on this trip is two fold:
One: to detox from the mostly ungrounding and at times stressful space that is the bay area. Coming home is like a bank of fog in my brain being lifted. I need to use this time to ground myself and prepare for my return to the bay area. I will be coming back with best friend in tow and the two of us have big plans. ~Will elaborate more on that in a later post.
Two: To trace my family lineage as far back as I can. I saw in my heart that I need to do this. Where do I come from? This is a pivotal question that I must answer in order to understand who I am and  hopefully in turn will help guide me toward who I will become.

I will use these 10 days to center myself before being thrust back into the madness of evil land lords and cuffed jeans with crew cut socks.

Peace.


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Just holding a portal into another dimension

Ice Cream Dreams

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I am sitting in the back of the ice cream shop writing on the back of a daily closing log. My mind is in that post ice cream sugar daze that frequently happens when I forget to bring substantial food and thus justify avocado and pink peppercorn ice cream as a substantial food group. The sugar has hit my blood stream in full force. My brain feels foggy and I’m starting to get tunnel vision. The messed up thing though, is that I could have predicted the outcome, yet I chose to eat ice cream for dinner anyway. Why do I do this to myself when I know that it will not serve me? I tell myself I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better person all the time, but I continually fail to follow through on holding myself accountable to this standard that I claim to want to hold myself to. And it’s not just stupid shit like eating sugar for dinner. My daily life choices are not good enough. I am living a mediocre life. 
“Why is this?” I ask myself. Well, maybe despite my attempts to affirm otherwise, I just don’t think of myself as deserving of anything better. But I do deserve better, we all do. 
Just had a rush of customers. Part of me wanted to politely explain that I was in the middle of a thought train and I was scribbling furiously on the back freezer, but I don’t know if that would have gone over well. BUT, always saying one thing and countering it out of a need to… what? Discredit my original statement? Countless times a day I do that. I don’t think my thoughts and ideas are good enough to stand by. That’s part of the reason I stopped writing seriously. I think to myself “Who do you think you are to say that?” “That’s a stupid idea” “That’s sounds so lame, no one is going to care about what you’re saying” and then I just get frustrated and am unable to communicate the raw truth because it gets lost in all of these filters. 
I’m done with this. I don’t want to eat any more ice cream. I’m better than endless scrolling through newsfeed and half baked attempts and change. A friend told me the other day that I deserve better. She said that everything in my life is a culmination of MY choices. Good and bad, this is me owning up to that. Regardless of everything that has brought me here, I don’t need to let my past decide my present state of mind. I haven’t written seriously in so long, just half hearted attempts that elude my true feelings and thoughts. As Macklemore said, “When you live in fog inspiration’s hard to create.” So this is me stepping out of the fog. I choose to be better, because I am better. This isn’t a promise of the future, because I don’t have to future. The future is a make believe fabrication. I only have now. Now I choose. Now is infinite. What does that mean? I’m still trying to grasp that concept. I’m out of paper.

Half awake

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I find a lot of inspiration in those moments right before I drift off to sleep. My mind is somewhere between waking consciousness and dream world. This is where magic happens. I feel blissful, at home. I feel like I have some inkling of who it is I am and more importantly, who I want to become. The most recent revelation I had is one I’ve been telling myself for a while now, but I didn’t truly feel it until I was lost in my semi-conscious flurry. Since the end of my relationship I have been trying to convince myself that I am okay with being by myself. It’s okay to be alone. In fact, I think it’s preferable for this time in my life. Rationally this clicked, but emotionally I felt incomplete. I threw myself headfirst into trying to find someone to connect with on an intimate level. I didn’t even realize I was putting this energy out. I was and still am not sure what I want. This made for a few very confusing first dates. I don’t want a relationship, but I don’t want to just hook up. I want to be my own woman, one who doesn’t need a man to complete her. Why then, am I getting all antsy because so and so isn’t calling me back? Why do I feel like I need to be someone I’m not in order to impress these guys? Why would I let this guy who is old enough to be my dad stay over when I don’t feel comfortable? What am I even doing?
It really clicked for me seconds before I left this world and entered the next one. I need to stop focusing on finding someone to complete me. I need to be free and wild. I need to be uninhibited.

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I also need to visit Australia next winter
Go rock climbing again
Take some pottery classes
And make more green smoothies.

Type 2: The Helper

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A few weeks ago a coworker of mine told me to look into the Enneagram, which she swears by. I’m not sure what exactly it is, but I had to take a long test which involved a serious of yes/no questions that I answered depending on if they were 100% false, 75% false, 50% true/false, 75% true, or 100% true. I feel like I took the time to think through the questions and answer them honestly.

According to the Enneagram there are 9 personality types. The type that I most strongly resonated with was Type 2: The Helper. Here is a breakdown of the personality type of a helper. I bolded/italicized the parts that really rang true for me.

Type Two in Brief

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needsAt their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

  • Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
  • Basic Desire: To feel loved

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized. In short, healthy Twos are the embodiment of “the good parent” that everyone wishes they had: someone who sees them as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go. Healthy Twos open our hearts because theirs are already so open and they show us the way to be more deeply and richly human.

However, Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met. Transformational work entails going into dark places in ourselves, and this very much goes against the grain of the Two’s personality structure, which prefers to see itself in only the most positive, glowing terms.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Threes, and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.”
~~~ In short the point of the Enneagram isn’t to stick one person to one personality type. People can have the traits of several personality types at the same time. However, I think my results were pretty spot on in most places. I’ve been doing some self analyzation, specifically looking at my past relationship and my relationships with my coworkers.

In the former I can look back and recognize patterns of low self worth and dependence on the other to fill a void, hence creating an unconditional type of love. If my needs of love and reassurance weren’t met I would become angry and resentful. I’m not sure this is a type 2 problem, but more than anything a human problem.

I recognize that I am a people pleaser. At work I go out of my way to help people. I cover a shift whenever someone needs it to be covered. I stay after my shift to help someone out when I know that I’m not getting paid. I offered to let a coworker take my computer to use for the semester because hers got stolen. I come in early to relieve someone, even if that’s not something I want to do. I don’t even think about it, I just offer to help in anyway I can. I’m not sure how I feel about this trait. I think the thing I need to take away from this is to make sure my own needs are met first before I go out of my way to help another.

I have this song on repeat right now

Isolation

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Everything about this.

People say we got it made don’t they know we’re so afraid
we’re afraid to be alone, everbody got to have a home
Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation

All the world is a little town
everybody trying to put us down
Isolation

I don’t expect you to understand
after you caused so much pain
But the again you’re not to blame
your just a human, a victim of the insane

We’re afrain of everyone, afraid of the sun
Isolation

The Sun will never disappear
but the world my not have many years
Isolation

What To Eat When You’re Broke

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This is a great article that helps navigate the maze that is grocery shopping. It breaks down a lot of terminology you might see on labels (organic, cage free, all natural) and tells you what you can afford to skip out on if you are shopping on a budget. I would check it out, it might spare you a migraine the next time you’re at the grocery store.

What To Eat When You’re Broke {eatlocalgrown.com}

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